The unrealistic loads of motherhood
As mothers and working parents, we are faced with the difficulty of finding balance in our daily demands. You are forced to decide between being present with your children, taking care of your home, taking care of yourself, fulfilling the needs of your marriage, and being a good friend, child, or aunt. You get it. You often find yourself in the trenches, feeling overextended, burned out, and in need of rest. There is never enough time, and the pressure of finding this balance can empty your cup more than you can fill it. You feel as if one more thing added to your day will cause you to explode.
The answer isn’t always to give up your home, never visit friends, or forgo a healthy lifestyle. There is a process where you can break down what is important to you, where saying "yes" aligns with your values instead of filling another need. Saying "yes" should be a conscious decision, not driven by guilt, people-pleasing, or external recognition. It’s unrealistic to expect that you won’t feel stress or that it will always feel good. But if we can find a way to process and address the daily demands with a sense of well-being and helpful stress integration, we may experience more joy in our day and less guilt, shame, and despair. Choose your hard.
Our stress bucket can only run on empty for so long, so our job is to fill our bucket with sleep, nutrients, movement, and all the things we know but do not prioritize.
What areas can you trim away? Seek clarity behind your commitments.
We can also explore our thoughts with clarity. For example, you might feel guilty whether you attend your child’s sports game, work out, or get groceries. But what if there is a different perspective? Instead of thinking, "My child feels I am not supportive" or "I am never there," consider that you are modeling a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your child. As children mature, they see the underlying intention behind our decisions, and the truth is revealed. We don’t want to raise children who neglect their own needs to please others, so why set that expectation for ourselves? Taking care of our mental health and well-being makes us better mothers, parents, and people. We can model this healthy balance to our children. We can prioritize connection with our children in different ways, such as having a nice long chat before the game or discussing highlights over ice cream afterward. Be flexible and creative. Ultimately, love isn’t defined by time but by connection.
When making family decisions, think about the lifestyle you want and what is important to you and your family. Sitting down together at the dinner table might be important, but shift work or having a child in competitive sports might not allow for that, and that is completely okay. Each of us comes from a different platform, and family members may have different perspectives, so don’t freak out if you are already in the trenches. We can decide how we want to respond and model decision-making and conflict resolution. Focus on what is within your control.
Parenting is by far the hardest job, and you will make mistakes. However, attachment experts say that if you are able to do things well 25% of the time, you are likely to raise a well-rounded, secure child. To form a secure attachment, it’s necessary for parents to create a compassionate environment and regulate their own emotions and reactions. They can also help their children learn these skills. When we are highly stressed, our neuroception and interception work overtime, activating our nervous system and making it very difficult to feel regulated or cope with stress in a healthy way. This reinforces the belief that caring for ourselves is a good parenting choice.
So, let’s leave the guilt and pressure behind and start finding more moments of enjoyment, security, ease, peace, and helpful stress integration. Doing more doesn’t mean you’re doing your best or being your best.
