When baby is home and it doesn’t feel good

For many new parents across the world the anticipation of bringing baby home brings excitement, anxiety and a load of other emotions.

Its like you just travelled across the country to visit a city you’ve never seen and once you arrive it is raining, you forgot your umbrella and your body is achy from the travel - your motivation to explore is dampened by the environment (pun intented).

Finding yourself in this new stage of life overwhelmed, confused and exhausted is way more common than we talk about - although thankfully the talk has started to change. There are so many “Why”s to explain how you are feeling, but what about the “now what?”

One tool for helping new parents who find themselves feeling emotionally overwhelmed with an infant is behavioural activation.

“The idea behind behavioral activation is that by deliberately practicing certain behaviors, people can “activate” a positive emotional state. For example, engaging in fulfilling or healthy activities can make someone feel good, which then makes them more likely to keep participating in those activities.” Medical News Today

But here’s the part I think many can relate to: What if the things that used to bring you joy, the things that defined your identity are no longer accessible, relevant or even memorable? What a strange feeling to not remember who you are - yet here we are way more often than anyone cares to admit.

So here’s what I’d like you to try. Take a moment and think about something, anything that brings you joy. Looking into your baby’s eyes? The taste of a taco? Swimming weighless in a pool? Listening to the Ramones or dancing to Lady Gaga?

Find that one thing that sparks enjoyment. And notice how that feels in your body.

If you have trouble thinking of one thing - maybe ask your partner, a friend or family member “when you think of me, what are the things you think I enjoy? What are the things you associate with me being me?” You might be surprised by the strengths and resilience they start to spark back inside of you.

Values

I find when we take time away from the everyday and connect with our values we are more able to lean into our joys, more able to feel connected to ourselves. I often recommend to clients to go to the VIA character strengths assessment because it is a way to think about all this stuff without the effort - click the boxes and get the free report.

You are unique. did you know that?

And if we try to do the things everyone tells us to to feel better, it can feel like MORE, it can feel disconnected to ourselves and frankly - you might not be motivated to even try.

So what are YOUR values. What is important to you?

Do you miss being social? Do you miss feeling in control of your time? How can we add in interactions with others authentically, organically - without extra effort. Meet a friend to go grocery shopping, put in headphones and talk while on a walk with your babe. Schedule a bath when your partner is home and stick to that schedule because that might be the only thing you feel in control of all day - and that is ok.

There are other ideas, ways to feel ok with leaving the dishes while you colour with your toddler. Turn your back on the laundry while you go to the drive through because that coffee tastes better and that person at the window might be the only other adult you see all day.

No judgement.

Finding the you you miss will help you feel more able to interact and have curiosity for the new you that has expanded to this new role. The one that has unconditional love and affection in ways you possibly never knew existed.

The new you is one who is modelling the life you want your kid(s) to know is possible - what does that look like? Does she make time for herself? Does she have friendships and prioritize ongoing learning? Do they dance like no one is watching and not answer every text that comes in? hmmmm, take time to imagine. What words do you want your little one to grow up to use to describe you? Kind, fun, creative, strong, successful…what do these words mean for you and what they mean for them?

Give yourself permission to be curious, patient and kind with the new you, just as you are with the new baby. You are both new to this world. Learn together and grow together, that is my wish for you 💕