Entering Motherhood with Past Wounds
Have you ever wondered why some things that happen around you bring up tears, anxiety or you just feel like you can’t handle it? One of the more common things I hear working with women and mothers is “I can’t stand it!” or “I just can’t handle when…”, when deep down we know we CAN handle it/stand it but our bodies are telling us it’s not OK.
Most common? Probably being late. Or at least the battle to get out the door. When we are trying to get our kids dressed and ready and out the door for a specific time, suddenly we feel helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed and want to give up. But why?
For many women, the experience of motherhood can awaken unresolved emotions from their past. Childhood neglect or a strained relationship with their own mothers can lead to feelings of inadequacy or fear of repeating past patterns. Similarly, those who have experienced abandonment may struggle with trust and attachment issues in their role as a mother.
Are you actually anxiety ridden about being late? Are you worried others will judge you if you are not on time? Likely not.
The usual culprit is …drum roll…the feeling of being out of control. I can’t stand…being out of control! I can’t handle…the thought that I am failing as a mom. Well mom - you aren’t failing and you aren’t out of control. But you are adapting to a life where small humans are dictating more than you would like. And things are not going your way, you know, the way they used to before you had sex and peed on a stick (or signed those adoption/surrogacy papers etc).
So now what?
Acknowledging the Triggers: The first step in healing past wounds is acknowledging the triggers. It's essential to recognize that these emotions are valid and not a reflection of your ability as a mother. Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions, seeking support from loved ones or professional counselors who can help you navigate these feelings. Ok - I am seeing your eye roll. How do I possibly acknowledge the triggers when I don’t know why/how they are there and really what they are in the first place.
Understanding the Impact: Becoming a mother can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing. By understanding the impact of past life events on your present experiences, you can gain insight into how they may be influencing your thoughts and behaviors. This self-awareness is the foundation for transformative healing.
So many women come into motherhood carrying perfectionist beliefs. The irrational belief that you must be perfect and please everyone. Why? Well I’m not sure I’ve even met you - so I can’t diagnose ;) BUT often it is related to how your parents raised you. Did they have expectations that were beyond reach? Perhaps love and attention was conditional on performance. Did your parents only show up for you when you were receiving an award or a star in a play?
Alternatively, some children took on parental roles because their parents were too ill or immature to handle the role themselves. Did you have a role in raising younger siblings, or even yourself? It can also happen when parents are working hard to support their family in the only ways they knew how or did not have a choice in working long hours away from the home to make ends meet. This is not a blame game we are playing here - more of a sleuth of finding evidence for the irrational beliefs that you carry.
Embracing Self-Compassion: Motherhood is a journey of learning and growth, and it's essential to practice self-compassion throughout this process. Be gentle with yourself and understand that healing takes time. Allow yourself to make mistakes, knowing that it is a natural part of the learning process.
Make mistakes? YES. Making mistakes is a natural way of learning. Allow yourself to be late. Allow your kids to show up to school with jam on their shirt. Tell yourself it is not the end of the world if they wear different socks or forget to brush their hair. It does not mean you love them any less or that they will grow up to be homeless. You do not have to be perfect or please everyone. You do have to be you, and show your children love unconditionally. Which for some moms might feel impossible if no one has shown that to you.
Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, and other moms who can connect with your experiences. Connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can provide validation and a sense of community, reminding you that you are not alone on this journey. If you find yourself in space with others who tell you “savour this time” or “it could be worse” - politely excuse yourself and get out of there. Those are not your people. They mean well, but they are disconnected from your reality and unintentionally will increase your worry and distress.
Seeking Healing and Support: Healing from past wounds often requires professional support. Consider working with a therapist or counselor experienced in trauma and motherhood-related issues. Through therapy, you can explore your feelings, address unresolved emotions, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers in a healthy way.
Creating New Narratives: Consider reframing your narratives around motherhood. What does that mean in non-therapist speak? It means your story is your story and no one else’s. The length of each chapter in the book of your life is no one else’s choice. You can reflect on your past and the role it plays in the present. Our inner critic tends to heighten our insecurities and doubts, convincing us that we are not good enough or that we are bound to fail as mothers. It feeds on our fears and past experiences, creating a cycle of self-doubt that can be paralyzing. For example, it may tell us that we are not providing enough for our children, or that we are incapable of being the nurturing and loving mothers we aspire to be. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations, recognizing your strengths and accomplishments as a mother. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, empowering yourself to create a new, loving narrative around your journey. Not a journal person? That’s fair. Notice when you place demands on yourself and replace the “shoulds” with “would prefer” - I should be a better mom vs I am being the best mom I can / I wish this was easier but I am doing my best.
It can be helpful to write down the negative messages we are telling ourselves on one side of a page then on the other to write down what we would say to a friend, or more rational versions. Instead of “I am not a good enough mother”, try “I am being the best mom I know how to be. My kids are fed, clothed, cuddled and loved beyond measure".
Motherhood can be both a beautiful and triggering experience for some individuals. By acknowledging and understanding the impact of past life events, seeking healing and support, embracing self-compassion, and building a supportive network, you can navigate these triggers with resilience and grace. Remember, healing is a process, and with patience and self-love, you can transform past wounds into sources of strength and wisdom as you embrace the transformative journey of motherhood.
